When it comes to substance use, parents can have very different approaches. One parent may take a “kids will be kids” stance, believing that experimentation is a normal part of growing up, while the other parent may have a stricter, zero-tolerance view. These differences can lead to confusion for teens and tension between partners if not managed carefully. The key is to find common ground that prioritizes your teen’s safety and well-being while respecting each parent’s perspective.

Here are some strategies for navigating these differences.

1. Acknowledge Each Other’s Concerns

It’s important to first acknowledge that both approaches come from a place of concern for your teen. The parent who takes a more lenient approach may believe that teens should have the freedom to make their own mistakes, while the stricter parent may be more concerned about the potential dangers of experimentation. According to Psychology Today, acknowledging these concerns can help create a more constructive dialogue rather than one filled with conflict.

What You Can Do:

• Sit down with your partner to discuss each other’s viewpoints calmly. You might say, “I know you’re worried about being too strict, but I’m concerned about the risks of substance use.”
• Focus on common goals, such as wanting your teen to make safe and healthy choices.

2. Focus on Clear, Consistent Boundaries

While your parenting styles may differ, it’s crucial to set clear, consistent boundaries for your teen. Teens need to know what the rules are and that both parents support them. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), consistent messaging from both parents helps teens understand that the boundaries are non-negotiable, even if the reasoning behind them varies.

What You Can Do:

• Find middle ground by setting clear rules. For example, you may agree that while you understand the desire for freedom, there will still be consequences for breaking rules about substance use.
• Let your teen know that both parents are united on these boundaries. You might say, “We’ve both agreed that substance use isn’t allowed, and there will be consequences if those rules are broken.”

3. Agree on Consequences Together

Disagreements often arise when it comes to enforcing consequences. One parent may feel that the punishment is too harsh, while the other believes it’s necessary. The Child Mind Institute suggests that parents should discuss and agree on consequences together before communicating them to the teen, to avoid undermining each other.

What You Can Do:

• Discuss consequences beforehand, out of earshot of your teen. Come to an agreement on what’s appropriate, balancing fairness with accountability.
• Present the consequences as a unified front. For example, say, “We’ve talked, and this is what we’ve agreed will happen if you break the rules.”

4. Incorporate Education About Substance Use

One way to bridge the gap between a lenient and strict approach is to focus on education. Helping your teen understand the risks of substance use can empower them to make informed decisions. According to Partnership to End Addiction, education can help teens recognize the potential dangers of substance use and feel equipped to navigate peer pressure.

What You Can Do:

• Both parents can agree to focus on educating your teen about the real risks of substance use. This might include sharing facts about the effects of substances on brain development, or discussing the legal consequences.
• Make it a conversation, not a lecture, by asking your teen how they feel about these risks and what choices they might make in difficult situations.

5. Keep the Focus on Safety and Well-Being

Ultimately, the goal for both parents is to keep your teen safe and healthy. While you may have different ideas about how to achieve this, focusing on your shared concern for their well-being can help you find common ground. Harvard University emphasizes the importance of centering discussions on the teen’s best interest, rather than on parenting philosophies.

What You Can Do:

• Remind each other that the goal is to ensure your teen’s safety, even if your approaches differ. Say something like, “We both want what’s best for them, so let’s focus on how we can keep them safe.”
• Stay flexible and willing to adjust your approach if you see that certain strategies aren’t working, always keeping your teen’s well-being as the priority.

Conclusion

When parents have different approaches to substance use, it’s important to find common ground and create a unified strategy. By acknowledging each other’s concerns, setting consistent boundaries, agreeing on consequences, and focusing on education and safety, you can create a parenting plan that works for both parents and helps your teen make healthy choices. Remember, the goal is not to win an argument but to keep your teen safe and supported.

References:

1. Psychology Today. (2021). "Parenting Differences: Finding Balance in Approach to Discipline." 
2. American Academy of Pediatrics. (2020). "Setting Clear Boundaries: The Importance of Unified Parenting." 
3. Child Mind Institute. (2021). "How to Navigate Parenting Disagreements About Consequences." 
4. Partnership to End Addiction. (2022). "The Role of Education in Preventing Teen Substance Use." 
5. Harvard University. (2021). "How to Prioritize Teen Well-Being in Parenting Discussions."